Adrenaline

I had an unfortunate FB incident over the weekend. I got a message from someone I had blocked on FB, but friend requested their husband. How awkward, I was called out on this unfortunate event. I tried to be  as upfront and diplomatic as I could about the whole thing, but when you're busted you're busted. "Yes, I blocked you because your updates were painful for me, for whatever reason, and yes I friend requested your husband for old times sake."
As I was obsessing over the details of this exchange, talking to my mom, she asked a good question... "Why do you do these things?" I was puzzled honestly. I don't know why I would "friend request" him. I couldn't come up with a good answer.  "You are always in some sort of drama Millie. Are you addicted to the adrenaline of it all? What would it feel like to not have every day be a drama?"      I can't say...... Every day is some sort of debacle in my life. Maybe I do create a lot of it on my own. Am I addicted to the rush of it all? Is this why I am constantly pushing the envelope? I mean I've only dated and not to mention married self-proclaimed "bad  boys," I sometimes order Odoul's at restaurants, I did friend request my OBGYN on FB, and the other night, I actually went number one in my front yard just to see what it felt like to be a boy, and to see if I wouldn't get caught {by who the late night dog walker?} What is wrong with me?!  Are these the actions of a healthy 30 something with three kids? I think not.
I have to get down to the bottom of it all. Why am I so afraid for my life to be boring? Why do I seem to crave some sort of confrontation? These are the questions I brought up with my therapist. "It comes down to nature vs. nurture, maybe your DNA is just wired this way, you might come from a long line of rule breakers {or night-squatters}. You can't entirely help yourself. The other part may have been learned, you need to be constantly entertained, something constantly going on, good or bad. When you're not surrounded by chaos it feels unnatural so you may create some of it." she said. Wow. It's true I am an adrenaline junky, and not even the cool kind that goes skydiving and scuba diving. A drama adrenaline junky. The worst kind. I will not let this define me. I am going to really work on this. I truly am. I'm going to sit and meditate and live in the now. Don't worry I'll keep you updated on my sobriety. I may even join a support group but before I do..... does anyone want to go toilet papering? I may not be healthy but I am fun.